


Heaven is a place on Earth

by moonqueerdom



Series: Love you like a love song [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I don't really know what to put in here, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Memories, Soft Andrew Minyard, Songfic, Trans Neil Josten, it's honestly too fluffy, really they're just too cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25841365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonqueerdom/pseuds/moonqueerdom
Summary: Neil looked at him closely, under the silver moonlight and the damp night air. He looked perfectly like an angel."Just the best for such a charming boy," Andrew said, holding him by the tie and looking Neil in the eye from just a nose apart."Are you courting me, Mr. Minyard?""Am I?" He raised an eyebrow. “Then let me do this correctly. Will you allow me a dance?”Neil laughed and shook his head. “Oh my god,Andrew,no.We don't even have music playing here.”"Your imagination is a shame, Josten."He laughed again and sighed. "Okay, a dance."~a series of memories of Andrew and Neil since the day they met, near the end of the 40s
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Love you like a love song [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867900
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	Heaven is a place on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> okay so...  
> a few days ago I posted this fanfic (which I recommend you read before keep going — although it is not mandatory) and a friend came ~~asking me~~ demanding me to write another story, in which it would be possible to see a little of Andreil's story back in the days when they were young and stuff like that. since I'm a very difficult person to be convinced to do anything (hah lol), I immediately said yes to her. (honestly? I was thinking about doing just that anyway, so since she suggested it, why not, right?)  
> I guess you can thank [Vic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunfl0wer_will/profile) for this story.
> 
> if you read the previous fanfic (which can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25750252)), it's fair to say that this one is nothing like that (meaning that — maybe — you won't cry the shit out of you)
> 
> about the history and writing, keep in mind that this narrative is not exactly a straight line. although, yes, it does follow a certain chronological order, it is still not exactly consecutive, but it is okay enough to understand everything.  
> also, this is a songfic based on the song [Heaven is a place on Earth](https://youtu.be/UocN_FLb3To)
> 
> anyway, enough talking, let's just go ahead and read this story already, shall we? hope you like it
> 
> _(trigger warnings: internalized intolerance, internalized transphobia, gender dysphoria, self-harm, a brief mention of toxic/abusive family, mention of non-explicit sexual activities — it's brief, you can skip if you want._

_ Ooh baby, do you know what that's worth? _

_ Ooh heaven is a place on earth _

_ They say in heaven love comes first _

**_1948_ **

Neil vividly remembered the first time he saw Andrew. Of course, he did. How could he  _ possibly _ forget?

It's not exactly every day that a short and completely bitter boy hits you with a piece of crusty bread.

It really is not every day that this happens.

"What did you just do?" Neil squinted at him.

“I threw bread at you,” the boy shrugged.

Neil was momentarily silent. Well, he  _ knew _ the boy had done it, it was kind of obvious, after all, so he was hoping for a little more explanation.

"I know that, but—"

"If you already know, then don't ask," the blonde interrupted him, before bending down to pick up the bread from the floor and throw it over Neil's head again.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Don’t know. I was bored because this side of the city is completely annoying, and that seemed to be cool enough, but not that I owe you any explanation. "

"First of all, you  _ do _ own me explanations, since it's my head that's been hit multiple times," Neil crossed his arms. "Second, what's your name?"

The blond boy was looking at him with a very closed but clear expression with a hint of disdain.

"My name is  _ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, _ " he said at last.

Neil scoffed. "Oh really?"

"Yes. You must call me  _ Mr. Saint-Exupéry. _ "

“Certainly, Mr. Saint-Exupéry… That name is foreign, isn't it? French, maybe? "

"Exactly."

"Would you say you have a strong French heritage?" Neil raised an eyebrow.

"For sure."

“ _ Eh bien, je pense que vous êtes un menteur _ ,” the mischievous smile on Neil's face grew shamelessly when the other boy's expression turned to a frown and Neil knew he hadn't understood a word. “I’ve already read  _ Le Petit Prince _ , idiot. And I know that the real Mr. Saint-Exupéry is no longer among us. You are definitely just a pretty strange teenager. ”

"Just like you."

"True. But I'm not the one lying, am I? Anyway, my name is—” he stopped. This was  _ that moment _ . The moment when he didn't know what to say because it was too risky for reasons he didn't even understand. Taking a look up and down at the boy in front of him, he sighed heavily and decided to take a chance. "My name is, _ um, _ Neil Josten."

"The pathetic name suits you."

"Thank you. On the other hand, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry doesn't suit you at all. If I had to choose some book based name for you, it would be  _ Stuart Little _ . ”

“Do you mean the  _ mouse _ ? This is a joke?"

"No. And since you don't want to tell me your real name, Stuart Little it will be.”

Neil watched with pleasure — and even a smile threatening to break through the corners of his mouth — when the blond boy looked at him in irritation and rolled his eyes dramatically.

"My name is Andrew Minyard."

Looking  _ Andrew _ up and down again — more closely now — Neil finally smiled. He looked funny in those pants — which were definitely too big for him, since they were folded a few times on the hem —, button-down shirt with sleeves pulled up, suspenders and glasses a little too big for his face. There was also a newsboy over his head that didn't match at all with the rest of the look.

Not that Neil could say anything, after all, he was wearing a ridiculous flat cap right now — even if it was just because he had to hide his long hair with something.

"It's not a pleasure to meet you, Andrew."

"I don't like this at all, but I will have to agree with you."

For a few weeks after that, Neil would always be interrupted in the middle of his walks by a piece of crusty bread hitting him on the head. Eventually, he stopped being angry and started to  _ actually wait for it _ daily. Perhaps it was the most rewarding part of his days, but he would not admit it anytime soon.

_ We'll make heaven a place on earth _

_ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth _

"Andrew, can I tell you a secret?"

They didn't look at each other as they walked down the almost empty street, but they were attentive to each other anyway.

Neil had his hands folded in front of him and his spine was erect as he moved, all because of the damn good manners his mother was forcing him to learn.

“Feel free, Neil. I don't particularly care,” Andrew replied, hands in his pocket.

He was a little grumpy today, and Neil was wondering if it could be because of his mother again. Most likely it was. He made the mental note to ask about it later, in case Andrew wanted to speak.

"This is a little bit serious, do you think we could stop somewhere?"

The moment the words left Neil's mouth, Andrew stopped walking immediately and it made them collide in the middle of the avenue. This stunned them for a few seconds but Andrew recovered quickly and turned to face Neil deeply.

"What’s wrong?" He asked, in the usual monotonous tone, as he raised his glasses again to the bridge of his nose.

Neil pressed his lips together in a nervous line and looked around.

"Not here," he said.

Andrew sighed and motioned for him to accompany him. They walked in silence to some empty alley and kept going as long as they could until they reached a wall that declared the end of the line to continue moving on. They stopped there and turned to each other.

"Start talking," Andrew crossed his arms.

Neil was very nervous, and he had every reason to be, he knew he did. But somehow, he also had a profound certainty that he was safe there. With this boy.

“Well, I don't want to lie to you, so I just need to tell you this at once. I— I understand if you want to leave, even if you want to yell at me or offend me, but can you not  _ hit _ me? Please?”

Andrew frowned at that, in addition to taking a deep breath.

"I don't like that word," he said. Neil filed that information away. “And I'm not going to hit you. I would never. Are you insane or is the lack of brain finally causing more damage?”

Neil smiled, but it was humorless. "Don't say that before you know."

"Speak up, Josten."

"Okay," he twisted his hands still crossed in front of his body. “I think I'll just speak at once, without a preparatory speech or anything. It must be easier. ”

"As long as you  _ speak _ ," Andrew was clearly impatient.

“Andrew. I'm sorry for lying to you since the day we met, but I'm not a boy ”

Neil immediately swallowed and closed his eyes, squeezing his hands tightly.

At that moment, he could  _ not _ say what was the thing that bothered him the most even if he was asked to do so.

Perhaps the expectation about Andrew's response. Perhaps the fear of being beaten. Perhaps the fear of speaking out loud.

Perhaps the fact that it was true.

Neil was not… a boy. Not truly.

"Should I understand what you mean by that?" Andrew asked.

At that moment, Neil’s eyes cracked open.

"I mean... Well, yeah... I guess?" He tilted his head doubtfully.

"Well, I didn't understand."

Neil took a deep breath. “I— I'm a girl, Andrew. I just thought you should know that. I was born as a girl and all that implies.”

Finally, a reaction came. Andrew moved his chin back and raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

"It's not what it looks like to me."

“Well, yeah. That's my goal,” Neil sighed. “I have some clothes hidden in the shed near my house, and hair clips. I use it all when I come to this side of the city and... Well, you can see it. I always try to be careful that people don't notice, but sometimes I think it's just obvious.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant, idiot."

"Excuse me?"

"I said 'it's not what it looks like to me' because it's the truth, and not because of your visual aesthetic or anything like that. See, why do you do all this? Dress and act like a boy, I mean.”

Neil was confused, very confused.

“Because… I don't— I feel uncomfortable the other way. It's kind of painful... I don't know, it's difficult to explain.”

"So doing all this makes you comfortable?"

"Yes."

"And do you want to do this?"

"Yes."

"Great, so I don't have enough time to really care about anything else," Andrew shrugged. "If you insist that you want to be a boy, that's your problem, I'm in no position to do anything about it."

Neil was in shock, completely immobile in place. He was wide-eyed and wasn't sure if he was imagining things or not.

"You... don't you think I'm crazy?"

“I mean,” Andrew rolled his eyes, “I  _ do _ think this. But not for that. You are completely crazy because of all the other reasons.”

Neil smiled and immediately felt his shoulders drop with the relief of weight he didn't even know he was holding.

“Besides, I don't really understand you or anything like that, do I? Then again, I'm not in a position to do anything about it, ”Andrew continued to speak.

Neil's smile only grew even bigger, and he saw when it unlocked something in the other boy's face, but he didn't know what it was.

"Thank you, Stuart Little."

And, just like that, Andrew's grimace returned.

"Drop that, Josten."

Neil laughed this time and shrugged.

In the end, Neil forgot to ask why Andrew was so grumpy, but then he didn't seem to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day, so maybe that's why he forgot.

_ When the night falls down _

_ I wait for you _

_ And you come around _

Neil saw Andrew sitting on the wreckage of a hay wagon, with something between his fingers that glowed when he brought it to his mouth.

"Are you smoking now?" He asked, as soon as he approached the blonde.

Andrew looked at him and stared for a while. Seeing, observing, analyzing. Even though Neil didn't let anything show on his face, he knew what the cause for that was.

However, Andrew spoke before he had a chance.

“I am. It helps."

Neil raised an eyebrow. "Helps what?"

"Anything."

He simply hummed, not completely satisfied with that answer but knowing better than to press Andrew for anything.

Neil sat beside him in the wreckage of the wagon with a heavy thud.

"I know you've never seen my hair down like that," he said, staring at the ground as he poked at the dry leaves with the toe of his boot. "I just couldn't get it right before I left the shed today."

"Why not?"

"I didn't want to be late to meet you."

Andrew snorted. “This is bullshit. I could wait. ”

"You hate to wait, though."

"And you hate to be uncomfortable," the blonde shrugged as if that sentence alone said enough. "Besides, you always show up eventually, so it's not like I'm going to wait in vain."

Neil smiled a bit and looked at him hoping that his own eyes weren't shining or anything.

Suddenly, Andrew removed the newsboy on his own head and took one last drag on his cigarette before tossing it aside.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing to Neil's hair with the accessory in his hand.

Neil nodded slowly and didn't take his eyes off him as Andrew approached carefully, gathered all the loose and scattered curls, rolled everything up, and tucked it under the newsboy, effectively hiding the length of Neil's hair.

Andrew ran his fingers through his now-uncovered hair, and it just caught Neil's attention even more.

They didn't talk much that night, but it was nice nonetheless. It was good enough to just stay there coexisting together with the certainty that the next night they could do that again. Whatever  _ that _ was.

_ And the world's alive _

_ With the sound of kids _

_ On the street outside _

He heard the sound of the door being opened, closed, and then locked. Today they were hiding in Andrew's uncle's closed shop. The establishment had been out of service for some time, and at the moment, they were the only ones who had the keys — Andrew stole from his uncle the original and the copy, so they would be the only ones able to enter the place and wouldn’t risk them being caught.

Neil smiled immediately when he saw Andrew crossing the hall in a suit adjusted to his size. He was elegant.

Unfortunately, the smile didn't reach his eyes. Not today.

"Happy 4th of July," Neil said.

"Happy 4th of July," Andrew confirmed.

They both used the same amount of scorn in their voices. They both were having a bad day.

"Should I start complaining to myself or do you want to do the honors?" Neil raised an eyebrow.

"I could never let you take this opportunity from me," Andrew's mood was bitter, more than usual. "Tilda is mad again."

"Because of the army thing?"

"Yes," Andrew pulled a cigarette from the package in his pocket and lit it. “Aaron and I are about to turn eighteen, but it's not like we can do anything after we have already been rejected because of our vision problem,” then he adjusted his glasses on his face as if to punctuate what he said. “Tilda is having a bad time accepting this, and she keeps screaming that this is a shame or other shit.”

Neil was quickly exalted by the cursing, but not so much because it was not the first time Andrew was cursing, nor would it be the last.

"Did she do something?"

Andrew exhaled cigarette smoke. "She tried to hit Aaron again, but we left the house before she really did it," he turned to look at Neil. "What about you? Having a shitty day too?”

"Yeah, you can say that," Neil sighed ruefully. "It's the 4th of July, so my parents would have expected their  _ daughter _ to look presentable while out of the house," he looked at the long skirt of the ridiculous dress he was wearing. “I hate this, Andrew. I really do.”

He covered his face with his hands and tried to breathe, only to find that he couldn't. Before he knew it, warm tears were streaming down the corners of his eyes. Neil wanted to scream, run, tear that damn dress, tear his own skin, and make a new one — one that fit him. But he didn't know what to do.

And a warm hand held him around the neck and squeezed to the rhythm of the breaths he was supposed to take.

Andrew had done this more than once, and it was something that proved effective in each of them, so Neil was already familiar with and thankful for it.

He kept quiet in the room and heard the loud noise from the streets outside, the children running and the celebrations going on. Gradually Neil came to himself and managed to breathe again. He was no less bothered and uncomfortable, obviously, but at least now he had no real chance of passing out or worse.  _ For now. _

Andrew removed his hand from his neck the moment he realized it, and Neil pulled his face out from under his palms to look at him with wide, apologetic eyes.

"I'm sorry, Andrew, I didn't want to have a breakdown right now, you have so many things—"

"Stop," the blonde cut him off. “You were having a breakdown, and I wasn't. The priority was obvious. Besides, I don't exactly want to talk about my stuff. ”

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"Sor—"

"So," Andrew raised his voice, to override Neil's. "Have you ever seen a boy wearing a dress?"

Neil frowned. "No, but I can imagine it is something  _ horrible _ ."

Andrew looked at him firmly and moved his gaze up and down before returning to his face.

"I disagree."

"Have  _ you _ ever seen a boy wearing a dress?" Neil raised his eyebrows.

"I see one now," he raised the cigarette to his lips and did not take his eyes off Neil.

Naturally, the latter blushed violently and had to look away. He wanted to argue, wanted to disagree with him and say he was wrong, but he didn't find the strength in him to actually do it, so he was silent.

"So it looks like I have more experience in boys wearing dresses than you," Andrew said again. "It’s quite a sight if you want my honest opinion."

Neil blushed even more and a sparkle of something burned in his stomach. He got enough space for a small smile to come over his face.

That was the first four of July that he really felt in the mood for a celebration.

_ When you walk into the room _

_ You pull me close and we start to move _

_ And we're spinning with the stars above _

_ And you lift me up in a wave of love... _

**_1950_ **

“ _ Poisonous bunch-backed toad! _ ” Neil shouted, between laughs as they ran.

Andrew raised both eyebrows at him. There was also a trace — very small, but still there — of laughter on his face. "What the fuck?"

“ _ Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat! Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese! Huge bombard of sack! _ ”

"Jesus fuck, what the fuck are you talking about?" Andrew was truly laughing now.

They were running across the dry grass towards the forest well, which was behind the town's church. Neil most of all wanted to get rid of the heavy skirts that had been bothering him for  _ hours, _ but he couldn't do that while he was on the move, especially not at such an  _ accelerated move. _

"I'm shouting all the Shakespearean bad words I can remember," he said to Andrew over the noise of the wind.

He didn't see it, but he could almost feel Andrew rolling his eyes.

"Tell me you weren't waiting until you were eighteen to do this."

"If you don't want me to say it, I won't," Neil grinned playfully.

Andrew groaned and shook his head negatively, clearly disappointed. Neil just laughed more.

When they saw the church in the distance, they already knew they were close, and the smile on Neil's face became completely mischievous.

"Whoever gets there first is the winner," he shouted, and immediately quickened his pace.

Andrew shouted a lot of colorful curses, but they got lost in the wind as Neil ran like there was no tomorrow and laughed as hard as possible. Obviously, he reached the well first and leaned on the stone structure to breathe and stabilize. He was panting horribly.

Much later, Andrew arrived, walking quietly instead of running.

“I hate to run. I hate physical exercise in general.  _ Ugh, _ terrible,” he complained, with a scowl.

Neil looked at him with a grin spreading across his face, before sticking his tongue out and reveling in Andrew's reaction as he rolled his eyes until they almost popped out of his head.

Unceremoniously, Neil tore off his skirt and began the irritating process of removing that layer of clothing from himself. Andrew leaned against a tree and waited.

The entire birthday party his parents had organized had been  _ hell _ . That was probably  _ the biggest test of etiquette he has ever experienced, _ which is a huge indication of how horrible it was.

That is until Andrew appeared. Neil managed to get him on the guest list and chewed his lip fiercely until he saw the characteristic blond head cross the door and look around with an expression that would have seemed infuriated to anyone else.

For Neil, it was an expression that meant comfort.

From that point on, they just moved together around the place, pretty much like shadows from each other.

Andrew was the only one at that event who knew that underneath all those ruffles on the dress, buckles adorned in his hair and long and pompous skirt, there was the usual Neil with his father's old clothes, often without a proper fit and so they stayed too loose, dirty boots from every time they ran across the rain-muddy land, and enough clips that would keep him with his hair under the newsboy that once belonged to Andrew.

And that was it now, Neil was taking off all those pieces that covered what he really wanted to use that night.

He removed all the countless fabrics and tossed the dress on the floor.

“Isn't this outfit too exaggerated? I mean, it's not the 19th century anymore, you don't have to wear things  _ that ostentatious _ ,” Andrew asked.

"I know, but my mom is an overkill," Neil shrugged. "Furthermore, wearing a long skirt was the only way to hide the pants and boots."

He buttoned the top buttons of his button-up shirt — which were open to not show through the neckline of the dress — and moved to remove the last piece: the bodice.

He untied all the ties with practiced ease and pulled the fucking bodice away from his waist, finally breathing once everything was out.

Neil looked at Andrew only to find him with a smirk in his place against the tree trunk.

"So sexy taking off your bodice with agility," he said, mischievously.

Naturally, Neil smiled and blushed. He absorbed the sight of Andrew in an impeccably cut suit and his face certainly blushed even more.

"Such a gentleman,  _ Mr. Minyard, _ " he replied back, smirking as well.

Andrew left his place and walked over to Neil.  _ Too close. Just enough. _ He put a hand in his pocket and pulled a fabric from there, which Neil soon noticed was a tie when Andrew lifted it up to his neck and began to delicately tie a knot. He moved his fingers slowly and as carefully as he managed to handle.

Neil looked at him closely, under the silver moonlight and the damp night air. He looked perfectly like an angel.

"Just the best for such a charming boy," Andrew said, holding him by the tie and looking Neil in the eye from just a nose apart.

"Are you courting me, Mr. Minyard?"

"Am I?" He raised an eyebrow. “Then let me do this correctly. Will you allow me a dance?”

Neil laughed and shook his head. “ _ Oh my god, _ Andrew,  _ no. _ We don't even have music playing here.”

"Your imagination is a shame, Josten."

He laughed again and sighed. "Okay, a dance."

Andrew wasted no time before grabbing Neil's waist and one of his hands, keeping him close. They were looking at each other in the back of the eyes. Blue and hazel, intertwined together as they spun and moved under the starry sky.

An idiotic smile was certainly hovering on Neil's lips, but he didn't care, he hoped Andrew would see.

They rocked back and forth, and Andrew acted as if he knew perfectly well what he was doing. He guided their clumsy dance and Neil thought that there was no better music for that moment than the synchronized beating of their hearts, vibrating in the air around them and being transmitted by the intensity of the looks.

Andrew had Neil in his arms and he wouldn't be letting him go.

Suddenly they stopped and just looked at each other. For long minutes, that was all they did.

"Yes or no, Neil?"

"Yes," the answer was instant. He didn't have to think about what the offer was, because  _ he knew, _ somehow he knew. And he wanted that.

Andrew looked at him with uneasy eyes as he searched his face for any sign of lie, doubt, uncertainty, or anything else that indicated that he should walk away. There was nothing.

Neil wanted so badly that the desire was becoming almost material. He allowed Andrew to study him to make sure he could really go on, after all, he  _ knew _ what Andrew would find in his eyes.

_ Truth, affection, care, passion, and happiness. _

Neil licked his lips, which suddenly were dry, and the gesture caught Andrew's eye. He didn't wait for another second, just moved the hand that wasn't on Neil's waist to his chin, holding it gently as he closed the distance between them.

When the lips met, the touch was light and Neil had to sigh contentedly. At first, it was all too chaste and too cautious, they were still building space for more. Andrew pulled him even closer — perhaps more than should be possible — and let his soft lips brush against Neil's.

The height difference between them was small, but it still made Andrew have to raise his head just a little bit to reach Neil's mouth — which would certainly be a great joke between them if they weren't, well,  _ busy. _

They left for only a short time and exchanged an intense look that could be a mutual agreement between the two.

Neil smiled. "You know... You don't have to be all kind to me."

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him and, now with both hands on Neil's waist, guided him backward until he had his back against a tree for support.

Very close to his face, Andrew whispered, "Since you ask so dearly, dear gentleman..."

“Yes, Mr. Minyard. And since it's my birthday, I think I can ask for what I want, right?”

Andrew smirked, "I guess happy birthday, then?"

And he kissed Neil once more, with more strength and more intentions than before. Neil was grateful for the support of the tree behind him because otherwise he probably would have melted from the heat of that kiss. He opened his mouth and let Andrew's tongue find his’, let him take control, and let him take care of him.

That kiss was everything that nothing else in Neil's life had been, it was everything he thought he could never have.

At that time Andrew was not just giving him a kiss or whatever feelings they were exchanging, he was giving Neil hope, contentment, and gratitude, probably without even realizing it.

They exchanged kisses until both lips were red, swollen, and sore, and the church bell announced that it was ten-thirty at night when they sat together on the floor to chat pleasantly while processing the waves of an overwhelming and unknown feeling that hit their chests.

That night was Neil's first kiss night. And it was  _ their _ first kiss night.

_ Ooh baby, do you know what that's worth? _

_ Ooh heaven is a place on earth _

_ They say in heaven love comes first _

_ We'll make heaven a place on earth _

_ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth _

**_1952_ **

Neil didn't know if that was how he should feel.

He had just left home, said goodbye to his parents, and left carrying his bags without any expectation of ever returning. Andrew was waiting for him in a car on the empty road near Neil's parents' house, and he got in that car without looking back once.

What he was feeling now was the greatest freedom and satisfaction he had ever felt in his life. He had a good feeling for the days after that.

But, was this how a child should feel when they abandoned their parents?

Maybe so, if they weren’t in the same condition as Neil, Andrew, or anyone else who lived in troubled homes.

Neil felt a hand tighten on his thigh before it just rested on his skin, and he smiled at the natural, intimate gesture. They had had some difficulties throughout the process of reaching that level of closeness, especially given the list of abuse that Andrew had suffered throughout his life and Neil's fear of people approaching his  _ wrong body. _ But they did, and now it was just okay.

Until a grunt caught their attention.

Andrew was not alone in the car, by the way. Neil forgot about that for a few seconds.

He turned to find another blond-haired boy looking at Andrew's hand on Neil's thigh with a grimace of disgust.

"Hi Aaron," he smiled because Neil was happy.

Only to be ignored completely. "I thought you didn't like women?" Aaron said, looking at his twin brother in the driver's seat.

Andrew shot him a sharp look through the rearview mirror and was about to say something, but Neil was quicker.

Before Aaron realized, there was a knife pointed at the center of his face.

" _ Oh my God?! _ " He was exasperated, trying not to move.

Recently, Andrew had given Neil a pair of armbands. He said it was for protection, and Neil initially failed to see it, until Andrew pulled up his own sleeves to show off his identical pair of armbands, and then he simply materialized a knife out of thin air.

He explained how to fit the blades into the fabric of the armbands and sometimes taught Neil how to handle the knives — which, by the way, Andrew also gave him a pair. Whenever he could, he practiced at home and hoped he would be good enough at it so that he could confront his father the next time he tried to hit him.

Neil never did. He never had enough courage.

But he kept the knives nonetheless and kept the practice in any case.

Andrew looked in the rearview mirror again and absorbed the sight of Neil holding the knife just inches away from Aaron's face. He then looked back at the road ahead of them.

Neil moved to face Aaron as much as he could, without moving his hand with the blade.

“Listen, I just left my parents' house because, finally, I am of age and I had the opportunity to leave that place. Now, I chose to leave them behind because I couldn't live a life being treated like _their_ _little girl_ , like _their princess_ or just _their_ _daughter_. I don't want any trouble with you, because you are my partner's brother, and he’s dragging you to our new home, so we better get along than not, right? But for that, you need to understand the following _here and now_ : I am a _man_ ,” he said all at once, sounding as seriously as he could.

"I suppose so," Aaron rolled his eyes. "Okay, whatever, whatever you say."

"Thank you very much."

He still didn't seem to have fully accepted it, but at least he was willing not to argue in order not to hurt himself.

“You are better with the knives, I see. It was a good move you made now, very agile,” Andrew praised, and Neil smiled like a puppy.

“You took me out of that house to protect me from our violent mother, but let your… dude… point a knife at me? It doesn't make sense,” Aaron rolled his eyes again.  ~~_ I can see the resemblance now _ , Neil thought. ~~

"Neil wouldn't do anything to you, not really."

"It's true, I just wanted to make you piss yourself because that was probably the most effective way to get you to listen to me," Neil nodded and shrugged.

Aaron snorted and crossed his arms.

Despite that initial moment, the three of them made the trip as pleasant as it could be. Neil always started conversations and often spoke alone. Gradually, Aaron was more open to talking back to him and sometimes even started his own dialogues. Andrew was the only one who remained limited, only responding when directed or making very few comments. It was nothing particularly different from his usual, so they moved on.

It took them a little less than a week to get from Maryland to California, where the property Andrew and Neil bought was localized. They stopped at places along the way to rest, but otherwise, it was a direct trip.

"I just need to say, don't you think it was insanity to buy a house so far?" Aaron asked when they were finally approaching their destination.

"No, that was exactly the point," Neil replied, without taking his eyes off the pleasant residence in front of them, while Andrew parked the car in front of the sidewalk.

"I still think it's insanity."

"Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that this house was a bitch to be bought, exactly because it’s a distance purchase, and now I'm tired of fucking driving so much, so, if you don't mind, I'll go in and pass out in the first bed I find,” Andrew said, turning off the car and taking out the keys. Before actually leaving, he looked at Neil and gave him a chaste kiss. "We can share a bed, if you want and if you're tired."

Neil smiled in response and Aaron grunted before jumping out of the car.

After picking up the key that was hidden under one of the vases, they all ended up going to their respective bedrooms — Neil, of course, followed after Andrew — and collapsed on their beds.

Before either of them fell asleep, however, Neil turned to face Andrew and smiled, too big so it made his cheeks hurt.

"Why the fuck do you have that fucking smile in your mouth?" The blonde asked, struggling not to close his eyes.

Neil smirked. "If you don’t like it, you should kiss it away."

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Go to sleep."

"Give me just a few minutes, my heart is still getting used to it."

"To what?"

“Our home, Andrew. My home and your home together,” Neil smiled, slowly bringing a hand to the other man's face, to give him a chance to scold if he didn't want to. When nothing was done to stop him, he rested that hand on Andrew's cheek and stroked it. "Well, there's your brother too, but that's just a tiny detail."

Andrew rolled his eyes once more and held Neil's wrist. They were quiet and silent for a while, until, out of nowhere and without any warning, Andrew turned Neil's body away from him, startling the latter for a few seconds.

" _ Go sleep _ ," Andrew whispered, hugging Neil's body from behind to keep him quiet in place.

_ When I feel alone _

_ I reach for you _

_ And you bring me home _

**_1953_ **

It was hurting, it was hurting, it was hurting and Neil couldn't breathe. But he kept going. He scratched his own throat again, while the tears streamed silently down his face. It was red, bruised and the traces of the nails were already marked there. He kept doing it.

Neil had spent the day lying in bed, he didn't want to get up, he didn't see why.

Andrew left for work, Aaron had recently moved in with his new wife and he was left alone.

There was just so much going on in his mind at the same time and he didn't know, didn't understand,  _ didn't want to. _

Meals passed without him getting up once to eat. If someone said at that very moment that his body was glued to that bed, he would believe it. It was hot and he was sweating, but Neil couldn't find a single cell in himself to care about it.

He screamed. Or  _ maybe _ he screamed? Could it have been just inside his head? Probably, since his throat was too dry to actually do that.

When the pillow was soaked with tears, he still hadn't found a single reason to get up, but he did it anyway. He walked over to the ensuite and locked himself there.

It was where he was until now.

Neil looked at the mirror. He saw the hair Andrew had cut for him last week.  _ It is not enough. _ He looked at the layers of clothing that covered him in an idiotic attempt to hide, to make up.  _ It is not enough. _

**_What_ ** _ is enough? _

He didn’t have the answer to that question.

Or rather, he did, but how he was going to accomplish such a feat was what slipped out of his mind.

_ If only I could fit. If only I were in the right place. If only I had been born in the right body. _

He actually screamed this time, and it was scratched and bruised.  _ But it is still wrong, it is still too obvious. _

He raised his hands to his throat and began to scratch as if he wanted to dig his own skin. He did and he did and he did but it didn't work.

Neil pulled off all those clothes that were choking him from the heat and threw them on the floor. He screamed again but this time nothing came out but a dry, muted noise.

The mirror was pointing at him, shouting at him, reducing him. He looked for a band of fabric in the cabinets under the sink, and when he found one big enough, he wrapped it around his chest, held both ends in front of his body, and pulled. It hurt, but it still wasn't enough. He squeezed harder. It hurt more, and he had to open his mouth to breathe. He pulled the ends tighter and squeezed even more. It hurt, _ but it still wasn't enough to disappear. _

Tears burst from his eyes unlimitedly, his knuckles were white from holding that band.

_ It wasn't  _ **_fucking enough._ **

"Hey, angel eyes, I'm home," Neil heard a voice announcing from a distance.  _ Andrew. _

~~_ No no no no. _ ~~

He pressed his lips together to stay silent and continued to press the band tightly against his chest. If he just did it  _ too much _ he could make it disappear. He couldn't breathe perfectly, but it was just a side effect, it would end as soon as he finished.

"Neil?" Andrew called again. "Neil, where are you?"

He pursed his lips harder to resist the urge to respond.

It was useless, however. Only a few minutes later the handle of the ensuite was forced and the locked door didn’t move, but now he had been found.

"Josten, is everything okay there?"

He had to answer. If he didn't respond, Andrew would’ve thought he was passed out and would force his way in, which would potentially be worse.

"All great," he said, therefore.

Neil's voice came out broken.  _ Shit _ . It looked horrible even for himself.

"What is wrong?" Andrew was very close to the door. "Can I go in?"

" _ No. _ No, Andrew,  _ don't _ come in. _ I'm asking you, _ don't come in here.”

He almost felt the growing distress on the other side of the door.

“You’re making me worried. What's going on, Neil?”

Neil cried even more, and he felt like an idiot.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, that's fine," Andrew tried again. “But… let's sit on the floor, okay? We will try to get through this in some way, whatever  _ this  _ is.”

Neil heard a noise on the other side of the door and watched through the crack as Andrew's shadow moved and became very close. He had sat on the floor.

Neil took a few seconds. He continued to stare at nothing until his wrist lost strength and he released the band. It detached itself from his chest leaving purple and red bruises behind.

He felt like a blow when the air came to him again. He took a breath and slid down the wall until he also sat on the floor.

“I don't know what you need to hear right now, and I'm not going to force you to open the door, but I'm here on the other side, okay? I am not leaving here—”

“I’m  _ wrong, _ Andrew. That is the problem. I've been wrong my whole life and I still don't know what the fuck to do to change that.”

Andrew was silent. Now he had understood what this was about, Neil could tell.

“I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, my angel. It's true when I say that you are the man of my life, I would never lie to you, but I also know that saying that will not make everything magically pass, so all I can do is try and do what I can so that you go through it without the greatest possible damage. What do you want me to do, Neil? How can I help you?"

Neil hugged his legs to his chest and buried his face in his knees, crying more.

_ I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it— _

_ I am wrong, I am wrong, I am wrong— _

“Right now I just need to forget about it, Andrew. If I keep this in my head, I will explode.  _ I can't, I can't, I can't— _ ”

"Okay, I'm here, you're safe, I promise."

“I'm going to— I'm going to open the door. When you see me, don't say anything, will you promise me? At least for a while."

"I promise, Neil," Andrew assured. Neil trusted him. He trusted too much. "Just— wait a minute, will you?"

He heard some noises in the room while Andrew was doing who-knows-what, and took the time to try to breathe and organize himself.

"I'm here again. Are you going to open it now?”

Neil didn't answer, he just stood up and opened the door before he could think about it.

He was still shirtless, so Andrew was met with the sight of Neil completely shirtless for the first time since they met. He could see everything, then. The dark marks, wounds, scratches, bumps and everything else that Neil carried hidden under his clothes.

Andrew didn't even move his gaze from Neil's eyes. He didn’t try to spy or anything, he just looked deep into his eyes as he walked towards Neil and asked for permission before spreading a sheet over his shoulders and wrapping it in the soft cloth. He guided Neil to the bed and they both lay on the mattress.

Andrew hugged him tightly and stroked him until he cried all he could. They just stood and lay down, until Neil felt he had no strength left for tears. It was then that Andrew reached for a glass of water that had been on the nightstand all this time and wasn’t even seen by Neil. He helped him to drink the water sip by sip, slowly. When he put the glass back where it was, he hugged Neil again and laid his head against his own shoulder.

"I got your paint bag, do you want to paint my skin?" Andrew asked, quietly and close to his ear.

Neil simply nodded, and Andrew tried not to let go of him as he bent down to pick up the bag at the foot of the bed. He cautiously handed this over to the other man and looked at him deeply before making sure he could step away.

Andrew pulled his shirt over his head and lay on his belly, leaving his back completely exposed to Neil. The latter still felt a bit numb, but he moved anyway and opened the paint bag.

He doesn't know how many hours they stayed there, but he painted Andrew as the most sensitive and precious work of art he would ever see in his life. It gradually helped him, fortunately, but not entirely, not yet.

Andrew respected him, he kept a personal space between them until Neil said he was okay, that he felt at home again.

_ When I'm lost at sea _

_ I hear your voice _

_ And it carries me _

He saw many people, many angry expressions and heard many voices. He was being cornered by all those people, and he was starting to feel claustrophobic about it.

He flinched as people approached and climbed on top of him.

"Neil," he heard.

Neil closed his eyes and tried to protect himself using his arms as a shield, but people were still coming.

"Hey, Neil," was firmer this time.

If he opened his eyes he could see where that voice came from.

"Neil."

He cracked his eyes open at once and grabbed the sheets in his sweaty palms.

_ Neil saw gold. _ He saw bright hazel irises staring at him as he gasped hard. He brought one hand to his chest and used the other to brush the hair from his sweaty forehead.

Andrew was sitting on the mattress, watching him with a level of concern in his expression.

"I had a nightmare," Neil explained. "Thanks for waking me up."

He held out a hand to Andrew and he accepted without hesitation. Andrew shook Neil's hand and leaned in to place a kiss on his forehead.

"You are safe, angel eyes."

_ In this world we're just beginning _

_ To understand the miracle of living _

_ Baby, I was afraid before _

_ But I'm not afraid anymore _

Andrew was sitting on the armchair in the living room and they were laughing at some stupid imitation that Neil was playing on some old poets. The sky outside had just darkened and the night wind was singing outside, especially against the churning leaves of the trees.

While exaggeratingly dramatizing a novel, Neil advanced until he was straddling Andrew. When he realized it, he smiled smugly and pushed a strand of blond hair behind his ear, looking Andrew in the eye and holding his neck.

The latter watched Neil's face carefully and went forward to wipe that smile off his lips with his own. They kissed soundly and warmly. It was a mess but the best kind possible.

Neil felt himself slowly unravel under the care of Andrew's soft tongue and lips. He wanted more and went to get what he wanted, chasing more of the kiss, looking for more depth. Andrew squeezed his waist and gave him what he wanted, sinking his tongue deeper into Neil's mouth, sucking and biting his lower lip. All of that took a light whimper out of him, and Andrew gathered their foreheads together to look him in the eye.

Neil wasted no time, he lowered his head until he reached Andrew's neck and gave a long wet, open-mouthed kiss to the sensitive skin. Andrew shivered at his touch. Neil occupied himself with his whole neck, collarbone, and jaw, distributing kisses and sucks wherever his mouth touched.

Moving a little on Andrew's lap, he noticed the result of his kisses and obscene sounds. Raising his face to face the other man, Neil smirked.

"You are keen, my lord, you are keen," he quoted an excerpt from  _ Hamlet _ .

Andrew rolled his eyes good-naturedly and smirked back. "It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge."

Neil couldn't help but laugh. "It's good that you remember that part of Hamlet so well."

"You see, I know this boy who waited until he was eighteen to scream at the top of his lungs the Shakespearean curses he could remember," Andrew raised an eyebrow at him. "I was wondering how much more Shakespeare he could know, and I decided to read it myself to keep up with his level."

"Very smart."

"Indeed," Andrew nodded. "Yes or no, my charming man?"

Neil swallowed and chewed on his lip. When he realized what he was doing, Andrew lifted his thumb to free Neil's lower lip from his teeth and then waited for whatever it was he already knew the auburn-haired man had to say.

"Andrew, my love," he called.

"Yes?"

"I know... we've done a few things... you know..." Neil was blushing. "Well, I mean...  _ I _ already did some things for  _ you _ , do you understand what I'm talking about?"

"I guess?"

"Okay," he nodded. "So, we never progressed much further because I never allowed it, I never managed to make amends enough with... all this... to expose myself that way to you."

"Yes, I know. And I don't expect you to do it. Go at your pace, take your time.”

"Yeah, about that..." Neil took a long breath. “I think  _ my pace _ has accompanied us. I— um— I want to, you know, try.”

He looked away from Andrew immediately. His skin burned so much that he was afraid of having a fever.

"Are you sure about that, Neil?" Andrew's voice shook a little, even though he tried to hide it.

"I am. I've been thinking about it and decided a few things,” he breathed. “I trust you, I trust you  _ a lot, _ and that's why I feel like I'm ready. But I have some boundaries that I need to establish, and there are many things that I still need to discover but I will only achieve if I try, so it may not be as simple and pleasant as you expect—”

"No, Neil," Andrew cupped his face. “Listen to me, I don't expect anything from you. I never did and never will. I will accept what you give me and I could never ask for more. Keep that in mind, will you? ”

Neil nodded. "Thank you, my love," he smiled. “I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes. I'm ready, Andrew.”

They smiled with their foreheads glued together, and as much as they were both nervous, they still tried to act with their easy naturalness.

Andrew grabbed Neil, who wrapped his legs around his waist, and lifted him up in the air as he got up from the chair. He stumbled blindly into the bedroom and, luckily, managed to avoid the two of them from falling on the way.

Neil laughed when he was thrown on the mattress, and talked about everything Andrew could and couldn't, about what he should and shouldn't. And Andrew listened.

It wasn't easy, it wasn't simple and it wasn't organized, but it was perfect nonetheless. Andrew asked every time, made sure he did everything just right, and made sure Neil was fine. That they were both fine.

And Neil?

Honestly, he finally understood why it was called  _ ‘making love’ _ .

_ Ooh baby, do you know what that's worth? _

_ Ooh heaven is a place on earth _

_ They say in heaven love comes first _

_ We'll make heaven a place on earth _

_ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth... _

**_2014_ **

"Neil, do you believe in spirits?" Darren asked.

They were sitting in the living room of Neil's house, where a few minutes ago Darren had arrived saying he wanted to talk. Originally he went there to pick up Neil and take him to Maryl and Lizien's house, but he took the opportunity for privacy for a chat.

"I do," Neil replied.

"Why?"

Now, that was a good question.  _ Why?  _ ~~_ Or because of whom? _ ~~

Neil hummed. "I don't know what to tell you exactly, little Day. Beliefs are very personal and I don't expect you to understand or share my reasons."

“Me neither, but I like to hear you speak. You always sound so sensitive, it's inspiring,” Darren shrugged.

"Thank you very much," he smiled and sighed. “Well, I think it's very simple to believe that death is the end. I couldn’t know what’s next, but it’s comforting to think there’s something. At least for me, it is. Earthly life is just our first experience, our chance to learn before we leave for the complex spiritual plane,” Neil narrowed his eyes. “I don't think I can elaborate more than that, after all, it's still a big question for me too. Why do you want to know?"

“I met this lady about a month ago, and she said I was showing an energy full of mediumship. I, of course, did not understand what that was, nor did I take it particularly seriously. But that was just until yesterday night,” Darren was clearly nervous, twisting his fingers and gritting his teeth.

A shiver ran down Neil's spine.  _ Yesterday. March twenty. The day that turned exactly forty-five years since... _

"What happened yesterday?" He asked.

Darren stared at him. “I saw a man. He was in my apartment but I didn't know him.”

"Did you call for help?"

"I... No, I didn't call."

"Why not, little Day?"

He saw when Darren took a long breath and looked away to the corner of the room.

"I don't know exactly, he just... He just looked safe?" he said and shrugged. “And besides, I found out afterward that he wasn't  _ really _ there. I mean, calling someone or not wouldn't have really helped.”

Neil's heart pounded and stopped.

"Is there anything else?"

Darren thought for a few seconds and laughed. “He wasn't exactly a man of many words, although I don't know if spirits really speak, I don't know how it works, I never stopped to think about it before. Assuming he is a spirit, of course. Anyway. He watched me and analyzed me. And that was it, Neil. Somehow I felt that he was trustworthy, I felt that I knew him and that everything was fine. It was weird as fuck, honestly, especially when after he disappeared I could only think about you.”

Neil didn't know how to react, he didn't even know what to think. He was feeling chills all over his body.

"Did he do anything else?"

Darren shook his head. “He was… waiting? I think so, he just seemed to be waiting for something. ”

"Or someone."

“Yeah, maybe. Don’t know."

Neil smiled tenderly. "I have my reasons for believing it was Andrew, little Day."

Darren's eyes widened and he moved to sit on the end of the sofa, with his elbows resting on his thighs. "Do you really think...?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Darren nodded, suddenly looking thoughtful.

"How was he?"

"The guy was kinda bizarre, to be honest, because he had a very closed and neutral face, he didn't let anything show," he said, and Neil laughed. “But under all that, he seemed okay. As good as a spirit can seem, I guess.”

It took Neil some time to let the words settle in him, to gulp down the tears, and then with a last nod he smiled he said, "So that's all I need to know."

Darren nodded slowly.

They were silent for a long time until Darren spoke again, “Shall we go? Mums are waiting for us.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> now, i know i already talked a lot in the beginning notes, but i really like to talk so here's some more  
> the process of this story was crazy. I wrote it all in two days, which, honestly, is a fucking personal record because I usually take a long time to write anything. really. there are days when I can only write a single page and I have to work hard for it, so nine thousand words in two days is insane.
> 
> again, and as always, thanks to my [beta reader](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabtoledo/profile) — which was taken by surprise because I didn't say anything to them before sending the whole story ready. after they read it they sent me a few messages freaking the fuck out and saying that they didn't change a single thing from beginning to end because everything was just perfect. I hope you can imagine how satisfied and happy I was.
> 
> thanks for reading and don't forget that authors love kudos and comments.
> 
> (you can always find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/moonqueerdom) or [tumblr](https://thewickeddevil.tumblr.com/) and you can [buy me a coffee](https://ko-fi.com/moon020310) if you want and help support me)


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